1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
