Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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