hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
