My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
