Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
