Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
