Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
