Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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