She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
