Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
