Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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