you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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