I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
