i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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