first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
