im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
