i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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