I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
