my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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