Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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