It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
