there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
