So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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