Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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