either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
