If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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