I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
