The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I am available for nakedness
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
