sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
