The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
