my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
