You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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