I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
