haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
