Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
