bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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