I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
