My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
