Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
