So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
