I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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