I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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