fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
