i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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