well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
