Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
