FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
vagina is talking i cant
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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