if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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