my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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