oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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