Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
