I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
