it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Come see our sink grown plant.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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