You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
