she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
