Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
