dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
