I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
