I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
