Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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