omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
